Dear Bossip: I Left My Religion & Was Disowned By My Family, & Now My Boyfriend

Posted in: Blog
Posted by: admin July 2, 2015
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terrancedean

Dear Bossip,

I am a 28-year old attractive female. Part of my story begins a little over two years ago.

I used to be part of a really strict religion, which I no longer am a part of, or follow. I have been disowned, denounced, and cut off by my friends and family members of my former religion. I grew up without a father or having a father-figure, so I embraced my former religion because that was the only family and real friends that I’d ever really known or had.

I was abused physically and sexually on and off throughout my childhood and teen life. I was an outcast at school, so I joined that religion thinking it was my only way out. I’ve never really had anyone that cared about me or really loved me except for my sisters. I agreed with the moral aspects and some of the teachings in my former religion but not all.

So, anyway, to make a long story short I chose not to follow that particular faith, or religion, or way of life. I was cut off, disowned, disgraced and ostracized because I had fell for a guy who wasn’t part of my faith. I was cut off from the only real family and true friends that I have ever really known. By the way, I have a decent job, nice car, and nice place of my own. I have no kids, and I am not depending on anyone.

So, needless to say it didn’t work out with me and the guy. After 3 months, we slept together and I never heard from him again. Funny, right? I lost my family and friends for a guy who didn’t care for me, and didn’t want me. I still consider myself a good woman with good morals. I’ve just made bad decisions. All my life I’ve always been told how beautiful or how pretty and gorgeous I am. But, I’ve never been told that I was smart or loved.

So, last year, I finally got tired of being at home with no friends, so I decided to become a bartender. What better way to make friends and have fun, right? So, I get a job as a bartender and this really sexy and attractive manager gives me a job even though I have no experience. He was so nice, and I got involved with the manager even though he told me that his ex-girlfriend was 6 months pregnant with his child.

He said that they are no longer involved, and no longer together. So, we become intimate after 2 months, well, more like we became friends with benefits. He was so nice, so funny, so charming, but just not to me. He would slam me against walls, but that’s only happened a few times. I figure no black eyes, no abuse, right?

But, I know he doesn’t respect me nor loves me, and sometimes it’s like he doesn’t even like me. By the way, he’s 35 years old, and he will never change. I see that now. However, I am in love with this man although I know that he sleeps with different women. Yet, I knew it, and I stayed. And, anytime he would call me I was available. When I would ask him to hangout or come over he would say no, unless it was on his time and when he says so.

For a little over a year I was afraid to leave the situation. I didn’t think I could do better. I had no family, no friends, no church, no support system or guidance. I just worked and came home. I didn’t want to be alone, even though I knew I was benefiting from nothing by staying in the situation. I just wanted a man or a family, or some friends because I had none.

He is consistently inconsistent. He takes care of his son, whom I’ve never met and he has baby mama drama. Also, I have never met his parents, and they live in town. This man has a nice job, nice car, a good job, and he is well-educated. He is active in his church, although he has never invited me to go with him. I was just one of the many women in his life, waiting and hoping that he would make me his girlfriend, or his wife. Funny, right?

So, last week I finally got the self-respect and the courage to ask him if we would ever be in a serious relationship together. He said that he doesn’t know, even after one year and one month. He says that he doesn’t have the time, and that our religions are different and he doesn’t know. He said that he was so wronged by his ex that right now he can’t let any woman in. Why didn’t he tell me this from the beginning?

So, I told him that I am no longer following my former religion. I mean I’ve been cut off, and disowned. Why would I want to be part of a religion that has picked me apart and made me feel like I was never good enough? So, I’ve finally put an end to this pointless tale. I would never be good enough in his eyes anyway. So, I quit my part-time job at the club. I never found any true friends there, anyway. They were only users, drunks, and people who didn’t care about themselves or their life.

I erased his number from my phone and I am trying to erase him from my memory. I haven’t heard from him since. He would give mixed signals, just enough to keep me around, like spending the day and the entire night with me. He would drive all the way to my house to come see me, and cook for me. But, then, I wouldn’t hear from him for like couple of weeks and then he comes back and it’s the same thing, the same vicious cycle.

But, I know I’ve played the fool, but now I choose to end this cycle. I am done. Sometimes I think about suicide, even before he came into the picture. I know now that he is not my one and only hope nor is he the one for me. But, I’m tired of being used and abused by men. I just need a reason to hope and a reason to live. I feel I have none. I tell myself that my life is worth living, but why? What’s keeping me here? What is the point? From the outside looking in I look so happy, attractive, and appear funny, and even as if I have my life together. But, inside, I am lost, hurt, tired, confused, worthless and lonely. It’s all an illusion. But hey, I’ve still got my good looks and hot body right?

I have something else, and I know that I have so much more to offer. I know that I’m not worthless, but no one wants me. I’m not wanted in my former religion, nor am I wanted in his or his world, or anywhere else. No one wants me. Where do I fit in? Where is my place? How can I find a true friend? Who won’t use me? I just need a reason to live. I don’t know my next move. I feel like I have no options I need some advice. – Not Sure Anymore

Dear Ms. Not Sure Anymore,

If your life is dependent upon a man or someone validating you and making you feel good about yourself, then you are in a heap of trouble. At some point you’re going to have to learn how to love you, and everything about you.

Yes, I get that you since your religion may have been strict and your family and friends distanced themselves from you after you decided to date or chase after some guy who was not a part of your faith. However, you have the power to dictate what and how your life will end up, and how you want to live and be loved. No more pity parties. No more woe-is-me. And, no more crying and being depressed. You have a lot to live for, and you have to choose life.

The guy you’re mopping over, and waiting on him to love you and give you some validation is not worth it. He treats you like crap. He doesn’t respect you. He won’t even invite you to his home, or to his church. He keeps you at a distance, and treats you like some random chick he’s banging on the weekend, or on the side. And, you continue to allow him to get away with it. At some point you’re going to have stand up for yourself, and stop allowing him and others to beat up on you. And, as much, you have to stop beating up on yourself.

You play this victim role to the max. No one loves you. No one cares about you. No one makes you feel special. You don’t have any close friends or family members because of your religion. Well, make some new friends. Create a new family. Start a new life with a new attitude. If they don’t want to be around you because of the choices you make for and about your life, then “F” ‘em!

You can’t live for others, and what other people think or feel. You have to live your life for you, and only you. So, either get you a backbone and stop this crying game about what other people feel and think of you, or, you sit in your pity and continue to be depressed and sad. And, trust me, no one wants to be around a Debbie Downer.

Go out, and meet new people. Make new friends. Start hanging out and associating with people who love, empower, and inspire you. Be around people who are positive in attitude, and have a great outlook on life. Leave your boyfriend, or whatever you want to call him, and focus on you. Stop giving all your energy to someone who doesn’t want to give or invest in you as a partner or as their mate. At the end of the day, all you have is you. All you have is your mental and emotional well-being. Stop downing yourself, and allowing him to do it, as well as others. Stop picking on yourself, and picking yourself apart. It’s so unattractive. It’s time to pouring love, happiness, and joy into yourself. Pour in peace. Pour in patience. And, pour in power. Don’t give your power over to anyone. Never! – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: [email protected] Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!